How can I control anger.

This is one of the most frequently asked questions you ask me.

I don't like the expression "controlling anger" because I prefer to see emotions and feelings as friends, and we don't control our friends.

Anger is not just an unpleasant emotion. It happens when we find an obstacle or injustice and brings the energy to solve a problem ahead of us.

Anger is a good emotion, just like all emotions. What we do with anger is that it can be good or bad, depending on the situation. For example, if someone takes me a toy and I feel angry, the emotion is good and indicates that I am in the face of an injustice, because the other child should ask before taking a toy out of his hand. What I do with this anger is that it can be good, for example if I ask with a firm and safe voice, "The toy is mine, can you ask me before taking it, please. "; Or bad, if I hit the child, because beating others is bad (except in certain cases of self-defense, but overall beating is bad).

And that yes, I can control. I can't control anger, but I can control my response to anger. This is important because the way I use anger can be very destructive, starting objects or beating others. It is better to use it controlled and measured.

It's a little like a tap. If I open a whole tap, the water can come out very hard, wet me and wet the floor. If I open the tap a little while ago, I can solve my problem, which is drinking water, without causing more problems. Science gives this the name of "emotional regulation. " I call him "navigate emotions", which is the way to use the super-power of each emotion to solve a situation. Yeah, every emotion brings a super-power for a situation of our life.

For anger, the first step I suggest is to stop to avoid in an automatic response. For this, I have three strategies.

The first is accounts from 10 to 0, or from 5 to 0, for example: 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, 0. This looks simple but gives excellent results.

The second is the hands in your heart: can you feel it to beat. Maybe you need to wait a little and be silent until you hear your heart. How do you feel after that.

The third is breathing, for example with (/activities/max/pre_sessa14. pdf). Put your finger in a star, inspire, and follow the arrows. When the finger reaches the other star, holds the breath, then expires and follows the arrows. When the finger reaches the first star, hold your breath for a few seconds. Repeat this three times, or more, even feel that anger is leaving your body. Breathing slowly and deeply helps to relax and release any unpleasant emotion.

You can practice these two techniques before you feel angry, then it's easier. If this helps you, please tell me by message or email to include in the episodes.

The second step is to realize the situation. Why are you feeling angry. Did you find any obstacles or injustice. If so, how can you solve the problem. Will expressing the energy of anger will help. In the example above the toy, I think asking in a firm and safe voice: "The toy is mine, can you ask me without taking, please. " It seems to me a good, measured and appropriate answer.

It is also possible that there is anger without injustice or obstacle, and that anger does not concern a problem in front of you. This can happen if we have the cheap thoughts, which happens so many times that I have dedicated a question to this and that you can read in the ).